Well, some do.
I've just discovered I'm going through quite a rough time emotionally, and something tells me it's nothing to do with my period.
I need to rant, and here seems like the choice place to do it:
My G-d. How did I let this happen to me? Again? I thought I was done with this, this petty dwelling on superficial emotional ties to those I only wish I knew. For my sanity, I'll keep saying I like both boys, and I'll try so hard to divy up my longing between the two. But the one, he won't leave me alone.
And it's not just him. It's these past couple weeks. I love school, I love my friends, and I get home and it all falls apart. I stop working, I stop paying attention, I get paranoid, I worry, I get upset, I complain, I yell at myself. I've been through so much worse and yet this feels so very, very bad.
I want it to go away. When did life suddenly become so complicated? I've been in school barely more than a month, and I already feel like I'm drowning.
I attribute it to boys because of him being there - every day, in my head or sitting right next to me - but it's more than that. The idea of college is scaring me. Since last year, all school ever talks about is "AP this" or "college that." I feel like I'm too young. I don't want to go away yet. I don't feel like a child, but I feel like during my childhood I wasn't a kid at all - I was a middle-aged woman trapped in the body of a young girl. And I still am. And then suddenly I go back to being insolent and trusting and hyper and wishing I was just a few years younger so I could relive those horrible years and make them better.
In a world where so many are hungry, lost, afraid, and angry, I too am lost and afraid and hungry for something more meaningful than this. I feel the burden of thousands and thousands of people I've never even met. I'm afraid of happiness because deep down I know there are people in this world who deserve it so much more than I. I keep telling myself this is just a rough patch, that it always works itself out in the end, but it feels so much more expansive when you're living it.
And now here I am, choking on my tears. I probably look like a mess. Well, I have homework, so I need to go lock myself in my room (with my messy desk and piles of clothes and broken headphones) and try to finish before midnight.
"Life's a bitch and then you die." - my mother
-Hannah
This song has invaded on my consciousness. Get it out, please, make it go away.
Rule Number One of the Woman Code:
ReplyDeleteMales suck. Even the nice ones; nay, they suck even more because you have no reason to dislike them.
Rule Number Two of the Woman Code:
There will always, always, always be a fellow female for you to talk to.
I'm not exactly the ideal female, nor am I the most comforting, but I'll gladly do some odd, possible misdemeanors in order to cheer you up.
I just went thorugh something close to this. I don't want to say I know how you feel, because I don't. I only know how I felt, and I'm unsure of the expanse of your emotions, because I only know that of my own. I hate it when people think they understand, because they only say that, and then they don't help. Their help worked for them, but not for me. My feelings went down to where I was most vulnerable. I was failing in one of my favorite classes, with one of my favorite teachers, and that teacher thought I wanted to move down. But that was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I was doing bad in all my classes, realy. So I was referred to my counselor, and I sobbed infront of her. I've always held that in. I knew my bottle of emotions had gotten too full, and it was spilling over. But I hate unloading onto others because I'm afraid that they'll feel my pain and become unhappy. That's all I've ever known; stepping back for other's happiness. But I could talk to her because it was her job to hear, to know. And it really helped. And I'm just saying that that only happened yesterday. Right before Choir. Did I seem normal then? Because I was twitchy like hell. I've never been like that outside my own house before. I'm not saying I know what you're going through, because your experiences are different than mine, but it felt good after I had come clean. And I love you, like the waterbending sister I never had, so feel better :). But I'll talk to you later, Because I've got the new 6weeks' homework to do. And I really don't want to fail again.
ReplyDeleteI love you both, and thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteJulia, you were right: human emotion SUCKS.
And Dani, adm,j.fkgndbwm,a.mnfvskljnbn you and I both love learning, but sometimes we're screwed over by the system.
I think we need a new system.
*dies*