Ups and Downs

I have wonderful friends.  Just thought I'd mention that.

I suppose every teenager is angsty by default, so I'll try to pass off my last post as blowing off steam (it really wasn't that, though.)

So, because I'm - like Devin said - a sap, I'd like to list everyone who contributed to my overall comfort level over the past few days:

-Devin, who poked my side as he walked by when my head was buried in my arms
-Daniel, whose questioning of his own sudden happiness and appreciation of my capacity to help reminded me I'm not a horrible bitch all the time
-Rebecca, who instead of getting mad at me for refuting my own intelligence, merely praised me for my capacity to care for others
-Alysa, who thinks Mr. Fuess is cute AND can sing
-Julia, who can talk well but not speak well
-Amanda, who thinks Anne Frank is a Kleenex and her beau Peter is generic
-Marni, who thinks air pressure will be the death of us all
-Stana Katic, for playing Kate Beckett on the ABC TV show Castle

Suddenly I'm feeling better.  Probably not as good as the aformentioned Daniel, but better still than I was on Monday.

(G-d, I wish I blogged about something people actually CARE about.  Ah, well.)

"I'm swimming in the smoke, of bridges I have burned, so don't apologize, I'm losing what I don't deserve, what I don't deserve..." - Linkin Park, "Burning In The Skies," Track 3 off of A Thousand Suns

-Hannah

Boys Suck (In which I hate on myself)

Well, some do.

I've just discovered I'm going through quite a rough time emotionally, and something tells me it's nothing to do with my period.

I need to rant, and here seems like the choice place to do it:

My G-d.  How did I let this happen to me?  Again?  I thought I was done with this, this petty dwelling on superficial emotional ties to those I only wish I knew.  For my sanity, I'll keep saying I like both boys, and I'll try so hard to divy up my longing between the two.  But the one, he won't leave me alone.

And it's not just him.  It's these past couple weeks.  I love school, I love my friends, and I get home and it all falls apart.  I stop working, I stop paying attention, I get paranoid, I worry, I get upset, I complain, I yell at myself.  I've been through so much worse and yet this feels so very, very bad.

I want it to go away.  When did life suddenly become so complicated?  I've been in school barely more than a month, and I already feel like I'm drowning.

I attribute it to boys because of him being there - every day, in my head or sitting right next to me - but it's more than that.  The idea of college is scaring me.  Since last year, all school ever talks about is "AP this" or "college that."  I feel like I'm too young.  I don't want to go away yet.  I don't feel like a child, but I feel like during my childhood I wasn't a kid at all - I was a middle-aged woman trapped in the body of a young girl.  And I still am.  And then suddenly I go back to being insolent and trusting and hyper and wishing I was just a few years younger so I could relive those horrible years and make them better.

In a world where so many are hungry, lost, afraid, and angry, I too am lost and afraid and hungry for something more meaningful than this.  I feel the burden of thousands and thousands of people I've never even met.  I'm afraid of happiness because deep down I know there are people in this world who deserve it so much more than I.  I keep telling myself this is just a rough patch, that it always works itself out in the end, but it feels so much more expansive when you're living it.

And now here I am, choking on my tears.  I probably look like a mess.  Well, I have homework, so I need to go lock myself in my room (with my messy desk and piles of clothes and broken headphones) and try to finish before midnight.

"Life's a bitch and then you die." - my mother

-Hannah

This song has invaded on my consciousness. Get it out, please, make it go away.

In which I'm suddenly three inches taller.

G-D I LOVE HEELS.

*ahem*

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

So, tonight's my school's Homecoming.  I didn't go last year, but I did go to the Turnabout Dance (bad idea - baaaaad idea.)  No, I wasn't asked to go, Devin, so shaddup.

I dunno if it's an obvious thing, but I actually love getting dressed up.  In recent years I've become a lot girlier than I ever intended to, but somehow I think that's a good thing.

This right here is my dress, Julia:
http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/landingpages/dresses/juniors/PRD~660051/Speechless+Glitter+Flocked+Dress.jsp#

I'm actually about to leave to get my make-up done.  Like, right now, so I'm gonna go.

I love you all!  Peace!  Love!  Antihistamines!

-Hannah

"The potatoes are talking to me. They say you're LYING."

-Sophia, my student.  :D  Good kid.

If there's no such thing as normal, would it be out of line to say that all adjectives are relative?  And would it be out of line to say that most labels we teens like use to create barriers are also relative?

The word that comes to mind:  Bitch.

It has so many connotations.  My friend Devin calls me "Bitch" at least once a day, but he doesn't mean it - he calls me that when we're "arguing."  I call my best friend a "manipulative bitch" because it's one of our favorite House/Wilson quotes from House MD.  Bitches are female canines.  There are a couple people that come to mind when I think of this over-used cuss word.

I try - and excel - at putting myself in other people's shoes.  So, even the people I consider to be bitches probably aren't really bitches to everyone.

Makes it hard to dislike people, doesn't it?

(It does.)

-Hannah

First Posts are Always Really Awkward

I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to say?  I don't need to introduce myself, as that's what a bio is for.  I don't need to list my favorite things, as that's what a profile is for.  So...uh...hello, all.

Hi.  I'm Hannah.  I'm younger than I sound, but feel older than I am.  My opinions differ from many my own age.  I like long walks on the beach, laughing with friends, and playing Frisbee with my Cocker Spaniel, Rufus.  (Anyone who understood that reference gets a gold star.)  I tend to make ridiculously obscure references to my various TV shows, movies, and books that very few get.  Which is okay by me, because I think it's fun to confuse people.

Let's see, what else can I say without repelling anyone who finds this blog?  Well, um, I'm listening to "Wretches and Kings" by Linkin Park, which, then again, still might offend some people.  One of the most confusing things I've encountered lately is the extreme reactions to Linkin Park's new album "A Thousand Suns."  A lot of their "old" fans hate this new album because it's got a very new sound.  They long for the days of "Hybrid Theory" and "Meteora," which is stupid because every new album Linkin Park has ever released has had a completely new sound.  As I listen to A1000S now, I hear the love child of "Hybrid Theory," their first album, and "Minutes to Midnight," their third album.

As my best friend aptly said, even if you can't appreciate this new sound, you should at least recognize the work of art it is.  They seamlessly incorporate audio clips from famous speeches (namely clips from speeches made by J. Robert Oppenheimer - in fact, the title of the album is derived from his quotation of the Bhagavad Gita.)  While their other albums were just hodge-podges of different songs, this album is what's called a "concept album."  A concept album is one in which all the songs fit under one culminating theme, or even tell a story.  "American Idiot" by Green Day is commonly-known among teenagers, and it in fact is a concept album - it was even made into a rock opera.

All I'm saying is that even if they don't like it, these "old" fans should try to appreciate it.

(You all will soon learn I have a problem with speaking with a point.  I ramble and rant more often than I discuss in an organized way.)

Well, I think this is enough for now.  Chuck and House MD both have their premieres in an hour (I'll be watching House for once, while everyone else - my mom, my dad, and my brother - will be watching Chuck.)  I should prolly start my homework.

As a rule of thumb, I will try to update once a week. - Hannah  :D